struggles
by Kitarah
Summary: A new CSI investigator is struggling with her demons within her when she joins the new york city crime scene unit. everyone is gossiping about her and yet she just keeps on going.
1. Chapter 1

Everyone has a demon or two with in them. Something that either happened to them recently or something that happened to them when they were just an innocent child. No matter what it always comes back to haunt them. For me I grew up in a safe home, I grew up knowing what it was like to have a father and mother and a sister that loved me every second they had. I knew what it was like to grow up with a happy child hood. But when I witnessed my best friend get killed by a man that did not love her it changed something in me. I was only thirteen years old when it happened. My best friend Emily, was fifteen and she was always dating some guy that would treat her nice for awhile then all hell broke loose and she would walk around with scarfs and turtlenecks around her throat to hide the bruises. She would always wear long sleeve shirts to hide the marks that he would give her. Finally one night when it was just her and I. We were enjoying a nice movie and cuddling up to one another. She was like a second big sister to me and she loved me like one as well. As we were watching a movie I heard something. I looked at her and she just gave me a smile and suddenly I heard glass smash. She then grabbed my hand and we ran up to her room. She tried to lock the door and yet I heard the banging of footsteps coming up the stairs. I tried not to cry but the tears just came as fear flooded my body.

"Shhhh, just hide in my closet, for whatever reason do not open this door and do not make a noise" she said quietly.

She then gave me her favourite teddy bear and she hid me in the closet. I closed my eyes when I heard the door break open and I tried not to scream. I then heard her yell and scream at her boyfriend who was drunk. He then began to hit her and I jumped every time I heard his skin smack hers making an awful noise. I heard her screams and cries as she protested with him trying to reason with him. I closed my eyes and yet something made me look out the crack in her door and I saw him choking her. She was trying to hit him and suddenly he kept on punching her right in the face. I tried not to scream when I heard her last scream ever. I could hear the bones breaking in her body and then I heard him toss her body against the door and walk out. I just sat their staring at the door. I could see the blood slowly make its way into the closet and I just sat their as her blood soaked into my clothing. I held onto her teddy bear smelling her perfume she always used and I just kept staring at the door. I heard her mother scream when she walked into the room and she grabbed her and was holding onto her baby. They saw the closet light was on and her father opened the door. What they saw was me holding onto the teddy bear as close to my face as possible and when they saw the blank look on my face they knew I saw the whole thing. He grabbed me and I just kept on staring. I did not show emotion I did not do nothing. When he tried to grab the teddy bear from me I screamed and started to kick and cry. They felt the wetness of my pants and the stickiness of the blood. I was taken to the hospital and when I heard my parents running trying to find me they were told to calm down. A nurse tried to grab the teddy bear from me and I just screamed and cried and tried to run away. I tried to get away from the bad guy. I tried to survive just like she would have wanted me to. It took several nurses and a doctor to hold me down to sedate me and my parents were told what happened to me. It was several weeks before a police officer had me talking and all I said was one word. One name and Emily's parents knew who it was. I said her boyfriends name and they hugged me and her mother said thank you to me. I was quiet from then on, I grew up alone and I never talked to anyone. I still kept the teddy bear as a reminder of all the bad guys that were out there. I needed to protect others from those bad guys. I needed to find them and lock them up so they could not harm others. That was when I became a crime scene investigator. I could find them and arrest them locking them up for good without any of them hurting others. I needed to get justice, the victims needed help and that was where I came along.

I was getting ready for my first day and when I looked in the mirror I saw Emily's teddy bear. I saw the very dried up blood stain and how it discoloured the fabric but I did not care.

"Wish me luck Em, love you" I said to the teddy bear.

I then walked out of my apartment and I drove to my new work place. I was hired to become a new crime scene investigator for the city of New York. I was to be on the secondary crew of the unit and yet my boss wanted to make sure I was ready and I knew what I was doing. I was actually going to go on a case with my boss, Detective Mac Taylor. I heard numerous stories about him yet I just looked the other way.

When I walked into the building I saw the lab coats and the lab techs. And I walked right past all of them and into my boss's office. He just looked at me with a blank look and suddenly I knew I was being judged. I knew everyone was looking to see who the rookie was and all Mac Taylor said was have a seat. I just sat their for what seemed like an eternity and I felt the sweat soaking my hands. Nervousness rushed into my body as I looked on and I saw my name across a tan coloured file and he was reading my profile. I knew he would look up the Emily Carter case and I knew he would see I was the only witness at age thirteen. He just looked at me from time to time and he finally put my file down and he picked up the Emily Carter case. He quickly put it away and finally he got a phone call.

"We have a case"

he said to me sternly. I just looked into his eyes and suddenly we were in a car heading to the next murder victim of New York city.


	2. Chapter 2

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I just stood their looking at the victim trying to find evidence. Her eyes just staring into mine as I looked at her and why she was positioned the way she was. I looked at the fear in her eyes and suddenly I thought of Emily. I thought about the noises I heard coming from her. The screams of pain and I thought about this victim and how she was probably the same as Emily. I then saw a hair, a small simple hair beside her on her bed and that was when I grabbed it with my tweezers and put it in evidence. I saw Mac Taylor was looking for more evidence in the hallway and I just continued on with my collecting. I took photos of everything and anything and I made sure I was more thorough then anyone of his team members. I then walked out of the bedroom and into the bathroom where I saw more blood and I knew that she was killed in her bathroom and then tossed onto her bedroom where he just left her. I collected as much evidence as possible and Mac was watching me as I gathered everything I could. I could see in his eyes he was making a mental note of all the things I was doing and finally he asked me if I was done.

"Not yet, you can go on ahead I still have more stuff I want to look at" I said quietly.

"I can wait" said Mac.

I just looked at him as I was dusting for finger prints and finally after another hour I was ready to leave and I got to work right away on figuring out who was the one that killed the innocent woman and whether or not I had enough evidence to convict the killer. I saw Mac was looking at me and I just continued to work. Soon an hour passed and he still saw I was at it. Another hour passed and I was still at it. Then another and another and suddenly he realized how hard at work I was. He walked into the lab I was in and he saw me researching different things while running finger print analysis on every single print I lifted and he saw I was running tests on other pieces of evidence and he knew I was thorough. He then heard my stomach rumble as I was looking in a microscope and he asked if I had eaten.

"No I want to get this done" I said softly.

"Well why don't you get something to eat and then come back" he said.

"Is that an order sir?" I asked.

He looked at me and shook his head and I just continued to work. After I printed off several pieces of paper I was looking at the results and I walked into the staff lounge and I ate a bagel with butter and I had one cup of coffee. I saw a man and woman were sitting at a table looking at me and then I saw another man walk up to them and I heard them talking.

"She is like a robot" said one man.

"She personalizes each case, since she was in the Emily Carter case"

"She witnessed it?" asked the woman.

"Yup, I read up on her case and it was a gruesome murder" said the man.

I just closed my eyes for a moment and I tossed out my half eaten bagel and my coffee in the garbage and walked back to the lab. I then continued to work and soon I fell asleep while I was waiting for a blood result. I felt two hands on me and I quickly woke up. I saw Mac Taylor looking at me and he asked if I had slept in the lab.

"Yes, sorry I must have dozed off when everyone left" I said.

"Well you sure are thorough" he said with a smile.

I just looked at him and he checked my results and that was when I heard the printer go off. The piece of paper with the DNA result came in and I saw one name. Soon the detective on the case was looking for the guy and when he found him after some interrogation he gave up and said he was the one that killed her because she was leaving him. I just walked out of the viewing room and when I saw Mac he smiled at me and asked if I wanted to go for breakfast.

"If we have time" I said to him.

He just looked at me and smiled and soon we walked to a diner he liked to go to. We began to eat our food and he asked me some questions. When he got to my case I stopped eating and I looked down. He was quickly apologizing and I just looked at him. Something was different about him and I did not know what.

"Please forgive me I just wanted to know that is all" he said.

"It's alright... I haven't talked about it with anyone actually. A psychologist tried to talk to me but I just kept quiet. My sister was the one that actually got me talking after six years of silence. I was watching TV with her when it happened. Emily and I were just sitting on her couch when her boyfriend broke into her house. She hid me in her closet and that was where he killed her was in her room. I watched the whole thing and then I told them who did it after several weeks. Here he was beating up another girl and the cops caught him. Her parents moved to Idaho and I never heard from them again" I said to him.

He just looked at me and that was when his phone rang. He was going to say something but he was interrupted. Apparently there was another case. He just looked into my eyes and that was when he surprised me.

"You and I have a case"

I looked into his eyes and we walked out to his car only to drive off in the city getting ready for our next case. I watched as we drove past all the people on the sidewalks and he continued to drive. I was looking at him when we stopped at a red light and he just gave me a simple smile.

"Why are you


	3. Chapter 3

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After several cases Mac Taylor was always taking me on cases with him. It was only on occasion when I was actually with my own team. Occasionally Mac would ask me more and more about the case I was in and it was harder for me to tell him but after many attempts I was able to talk about the case with ease. While I was working on a case Mac walked in on me and he gave me a smile.

"Listen I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner with me"

I looked at Mac and when he was looking at me I saw the nervousness in his eyes. Usually they were filled with a serious kind of nature and other times he had a hurt look on his face. It was rare for me to see him look nervous and when I smiled and nodded at him his whole face lite up with relief. I continued on my case and after several hours and many arrests and interrogations I finally solved my case. When I arrived at Mac's place I smiled when he answered the door. The aroma of spices and I could even hear some simple music when I walked in I saw just a simple t-shirt and a pair of jeans on him. I smiled as I saw his world for the first time. While I was trying to help him Mac was showing me what to do and I was soon finished his food dish. While I was plating the food I set the pan down and that was when I burnt my finger. When I held my finger in my mouth I looked at Mac and he was quickly beside me. When he held my hand he pulled my finger from my mouth and he looked at my burn. He then looked into my eyes and when he placed my finger in his mouth I looked at him and the pain immediately disappeared. When he finished we quickly sat down to eat. After the meal we had a couple glasses of wine and I was cuddling up next to Mac. It was strange to be so close to someone again and yet my mind would race to Emily. The smashing of the glass and the yelling from the man who killed her. Everything was racing through my mind and when Mac realized what was going on he held onto me.

"Talk to me Sarah, is it your case?"

"It's the images, the screams from Emily. They are playing over and over in my head"

"Sarah you are safe with me I promise"

When I looked at him that was when he gave me gentle kiss on the forehead and he held onto me just a little tighter then before. When I realized I fell asleep and I woke up in Mac's embrace. He was drinking some coffee and reading a news paper. I smiled when I saw him and he actually kissed the top of my head again.

"Good morning" he said softly.

"Morning"

When I moved I looked at Mac and he just watched as I gathered my things and I got ready to leave. When I was finished combing my hair Mac walked over to me and I looked at him through the mirror.

"No matter how much you play with your hair you will always look beautiful"

I just smiled and turned around and when I was about to kiss him my phone went off and so did his. I just chuckled as I saw the text message about a case we had and he had several text messages about three others.

"Well looks like we got ourselves a busy day today"

he just smiled at me and when we left the apartment I never knew that our lives were going to change very drastically.


	4. Chapter 4

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When I opened my eyes I could barely see anything. I was struggling to move and when everything came into focus I saw chaos all around me. The building I was in was collapsed. I could hear Mac in the distance and when I tried to move to answer him my screams filled the air around me. I struggled to move and when I looked to where I was injured I saw a large metal pipe sticking from my side. I heard Mac was moving debris from everywhere. When I heard him calling for my name I tried to scream his name but the pain was to much.

"SARAH"

"M-M-Mac"

when he finally heard me he quickly found me and he saw the wound I had and how I was struggling to stay conscious. As is was looking at him he finally got to me and he held my hand. I could feel the sheer strength from him and I saw the blood coming from his head wound. I was struggling to stay awake.

"Sarah stay with me please, Sarah open your eyes your going to be alright"

I just looked at him and that was when everything went blank. My dreams were filled with the memories of what happened to Emily and growing up knowing the tragedy that could occur to me as well. Me not getting close to anyone. And now that I was with Mac a different tragedy was going to Ensue. Yet as everything was pure chaos around me I remembered the good times I had with Mac. The moment I first walked through those doors and the way I saw him looking at me as I was very thorough with my work. The moment he asked me about Emily and how he got me through the hard times. The moment he stayed over at my place for a movie and how when I awoke with the nightmare that plagued my dreams almost every night he was there to hold me as the tears streamed down my cheeks. The first moment I gave him a kiss and waking up in his embrace. All of that was coursing through my mind. And yet now that was all going to be taken away. Mac and I were walking into a building trying to solve a murder and while we were talking about dinner and possibly a stroll through the park that was when the bomb went off and both of us flew back. Now we were part of a different crime scene. Mac barely injured and me fighting for my life. When I slowly opened my eyes I could hear a steady beep noise and I felt air rushing through my nose as I took gentle breaths. I could feel something attached to my hand and when I slowly moved my head I saw the city lights flashing around in the darkness of a window. As I turned my head I saw Mac was asleep beside me on a chair. The first time I ever saw him sleeping and I smiled as I saw how peaceful he looked. I smiled as I just laid where I was. Everything coursing through my mind and yet all I wanted was to just watch him sleep peacefully. I could see the bandage covering his wound from the blast. While I was watching him I noticed the sun slowly rising and illuminating my hospital room. When I saw Mac waking up I smiled a little as I watched him slowly wake up. When he looked at me he looked away for a brief moment and when he noticed I was smiling at him he quickly got up and was beside me in a blink of an eye.

"Sarah your awake" he said softly.

I just smiled at him as I looked into his eyes. The sense of relief was coursing through his body as he held onto me ever so gently. When I touched the bandage that covered his wound he held his cheek closer to my hand and I felt a single tear escape my eyes. My recovery was long and tedious yet I knew I had to try recover. Of course Mac was always with me to try and help me recover. After a week off I finally convinced Mac to go back to work. While I was laying on his couch with a very good book in my hands and a small glass of red wine he was getting dressed.

"Are you sure your-"

"Detective Mac Taylor... I promise you a million and one times I will be fine."

he smiled at me and I slowly and painfully got up from the sofa and I walked over to Mac. I could see the concern in his eyes and when I got to him I made sure his tie was on perfect and I gave him a very gentle kiss on his cheek.

"You have to go to work, I promise I will be fine, plus I have you on speed dial. You will be the very first person I call before anyone else"

he smiled at me and walked towards the door. Once it was closed I walked over to the washroom and I ran the best bath in history. When I got out I of course saw three missed calls and almost ten messages. When I called Mac back he seemed almost frantic.

"Where have you been what's wrong?"

"Mac calm down I was just taking a bath, now I'm going to read a book I have been meaning to read for the longest time and im going to enjoy a nice cup of red wine"

I could hear the relief in his voice while we were talking and when I hung up I sat down on the couch and laid down while I read a book and enjoyed some time to myself.


	5. Chapter 5

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after many weeks of recovering and finally being able to move without cringing in pain I was able to go back to the office and of course Mac was always making sure I was alright. While I was walking past Mac's office to go towards the lab that was when bullets rang throughout the building. I immediately dropped to the floor and that was when I felt the pain surge through my body, when I looked over to Mac he was covering his head and I saw several other people struggling as well. When I managed to get behind a stone pillar I looked over to Mac and he was holding onto one of our co-workers. After everything was soon over I was sitting on the floor clenching my fist as the pain radiated throughout my side. I was struggling to get my pain medication from the bottle and when Mac saw this he quickly came over to me. He quickly pulled a pill from the bottle I had and I immediately swallowed it.

"Sarah are you alright?"

"Y-Yeah, Yeah I'm fine"

soon after all the chaos I was taken to an ambulance and I knew I would be alright. Mac of course came running to me after everything was settled and when I smiled at him he looked into my eyes and he held onto me tightly.

"I am so sorry"

"For what?" I asked with a smile.

"I should have went to you first not anyone else. I-"

"Mac I am fine I promise, please don't do this. Remember the doctor told me I would still feel some pain if I over exerted myself. That is exactly what I did"

He nodded and when I kissed him right on the lips I could feel all the tension just melt away. I could feel the love I had for him surge through my body and I smiled when I slowly pulled away from the kiss.

Soon I was back in my office while Mac was dealing with the guy who nearly killed us and our co-workers. While I was finishing up in the office on my case files that needed to be finished I was walking towards Mac's office and I placed my finished files on his desk. As I did that was when I saw a picture just underneath his calendar. I looked around and when I pulled the picture from its hiding spot that was when I saw a blond haired woman and Mac smiling brightly beside her as he held onto her tightly. I looked at the photo and I realized this was his wife who died during the twin tower attacks. I quickly tucked the photo back in its hiding spot and I walked towards the elevators. When I heard it chime and I bumped into Mac I was about to be lost for words when I saw the blood and cuts all over his face.

"Mac what happened?"

"I am fine don't worry"

I then smiled and almost chuckled and when he looked at me he held onto me tightly. I almost forgot about the picture of his late wife but for some reason my mind kept racing back to the picture I had found. His wife's death was coming up soon and mine was next week. I knew he would see the request for leave. I knew he would tell me I could go. And I knew I would be leaving alone. While I was at home I heard Mac coming from the shower and I quickly put Emily's teddy bear in the shoe box that I kept it in since I was with Mac. Emily's screams echoed in my head. The glass smashing from the window as Emily grabbed my hand and rushed me to her room.

"Sarah don't move, stay quiet everything will be alright. What ever you do don't make a sound"

when she closed the doors to the closet that was when the screams of pain and the sounds of her being beaten to death as I watched through a tiny crack in the door way.

"Sarah, Sarah, Talk to me Sarah. What are you seeing?"

I quickly snapped out of my thoughts and I just smiled at Mac and I held onto him while he was still wrapped up in a towel. I could feel the warmth of his body surge through my skin as I held onto him. The water from his air dripping onto my arm as he held onto me tightly.

"I'm fine I promise, I will be alright"

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yeah, the anniversary of her death is coming up, I wouldn't mind going back home for a short time"

"Let's go then, I'll come with you"

I looked at him in shock and before I could say no or anything else my head just nodded at him and before long I was wrapped up in his arms with my thoughts coursing through my mind. I was going to be taking Mac home with me. My parents were going to be seeing who Mac Taylor was.


End file.
